Have you been told you are ‘too much’?
“Could you just be a little less Joe?” his uncle said to him when he was 8yrs old, turning down an imaginary volume knob.
It hurt as a kid. And it hurts now as an adult.
Now a leader in a coaching session with me Joe* said “Lucy, I’ve been told I’m too much. That I need to tone down my leadership style. I don’t know what to feel; ashamed, frustrated, angry.”
The sting of being told you are too much can be sharp. Emotions are likely to vary from angry dismissiveness to shameful self-criticism. In this post, I want to offer ways of thinking about this for any leader who has had this feedback.
What Being “Too Much” Actually Means
It’s too easy to hear “you are too much” as a statement about who you are, a character trait, even a flaw. I am too much. But that reading is both too simple and too shaming.
Being too much is behavioural. It shows up in a specific, tangible way, perhaps talking over someone, or giving direct feedback.
Being too much is relational. It means “you are being too much for me.” The receiver’s life experience to date has informed their reaction to you, regardless of how good your intent might be.
Being too much is contextual. It means “you are being too much for me, right now, right here.” Perhaps in a public place or in a power dynamic that creates vulnerability.
Seeing it this way opens up a more creative, and less crushing, conversation about how to respond.
Let’s go a little deeper into each of these three ways of thinking.
Being Too Much as Behaviour
Most commonly in my experience, being “too much” is about taking up space: being direct, being urgent, driven or passionate leading to a particular choice of words or a particular tone. Once you understand what specifically triggered the “too much” response in the other person, you have more to work with.
Here’s the thing: all of those behaviours have a place in the range of a leader. You can be directive and space-giving, urgent and patient, forceful and gentle. All of those things are needed. It’s about picking the right tool for the right moment, not throwing the tool away.
Being Too Much is Relational
Too much for whom? And what specific behaviour felt too much?
What specifically was it that triggered a reaction in the other person? Ask these questions — but not like a lawyer, seeking to place blame or mount a defence. Finding out what reaction someone is having to you requires genuine, non-judgmental curiosity. You don’t have to change anything about yourself simply to listen openly to what the other person found “too much.”
The act of curiosity itself can be transformational to a relationship.
Being Too Much is Contextual
Paying attention to context matters enormously in understanding what to do with this feedback. Often an experience of “too muchness” will be about the time, place, situation, or culture of the exchange.
I recently found an exchange with a colleague “too much”. Some of the context: I was jet-lagged; I was two layers down the hierarchy; I was new to the organisation; the exchange happened publicly; we were new to each other and from different national cultures. There was nothing wrong with him or his behaviour in the range of leadership behaviours. But all of those contextual factors informed my reaction.
Context can explain reactions, and there’s learning to be had there.
What to Do With the Feedback
Acknowledge the sting. Feedback can hurt. Say ‘ouch’ if it does, and get some soothing from someone supportive.
Get curious about the person’s experience. What was the specific triggering behaviour? Even if you can’t speak to them directly, can you imagine what it might have been like to be on the receiving end?
Get curious about the context. What was going on at the time that might have set the scene for that reaction? If you can speak to the person, ask, if not, imagine. What might have been invisible to you?
Remember you are multi-faceted. You can be directive and enabling, forceful and gentle, loud and quietly present. All of these are part of you — and all of them are needed.
Moving Forward
You will never be “just right” for every person at every moment. That is not the goal and chasing it will exhaust you. If you get regular feedback about being too much, I would suggest an ongoing mission to find out more about this.
The art is in being present to what is happening, picking up as many clues as you can, staying curious about how you are landing, being willing to find out and then talking it over with a coach. You may deliberately aim to be ‘too much’ in some contexts, with some people, for good reason. Better that be a choice than an unconscious default.
The most useful tool is a question asked with genuine, non-judgmental curiosity:
How was this for you? What did you like? What didn’t you like? Tell me. I really want to know.
And a willingness to receive the answer with grace.
*Please note that Joe isn’t one real person. Like all the client characters in my journal, he is a composite case drawn from years of coaching conversations. Confidentiality matters to me. I do not want anyone to be or feel exposed here. If you feel a breach of trust, however small, please tell me so I can make it right.
